Happy Hearts

Afraid

I am sooooo ready to not be pregnant.  I'm pretty uncomfortable at this point as all mamas understand.  I do fine throughout the day but am close to miserable by nightfall.  However, while I am so ready to meet sweet Evangeline Kait, I am getting scared.  The memories of Maggie's first days are all coming back quite vividly. 

I remember my amazingly easy labor - 3 hours from start to finish - and 1 hour was spent waiting for my dr. to get out of a c-section.  I remember holding my sweet baby girl... all 7 pounds and 8 ounces of her.  She was perfect except for the big scratch across her forehead.  I held her, nursed her, and couldn't wait to get her home and start our life together as a family of 4.  She had an Easter dress and basket waiting for her in her room.  Her big brother, my sweet 19 month old baby boy, was ready for us to be home and so were we. 

Then, in a moment, life changed drastically.  Through her discharge exam, we learned that our sweet Maggie Jane had a very broken heart and that she would be transferred to SLCH within the next hour.  Our world as we knew it came crashing down around us and we were left wondering how to move, how to breathe, and how to live. 

That is what I'm afraid of.  I am terrified that what seems to be our life, will change in an instant.  That is what I was thinking about this morning in the van on the way to a playdate.  I was full of fear.  I was singing along to a song on our local Christian radio station and praying silently for Evie and for us.  For the life of me, I can't remember what the name of the song was, but one of the lines said, "Why am I afraid" and I sang along with it thinking, how ironic.  Then, from the seat behind me, my beautiful, almost 3 yr. old, miracle girl says, "You don't need to be afraid, Mama because God is here.  Right?"  "Yes, baby girl, that is right." 

I am not joking!  I couldn't believe it.  My eyes filled with tears and I just started smiling.  Just as my sweet little girl said, God is here, and I do not need to be afraid.

Funny

While we were in CO, I took the time to make a list of all of the meals that I know how to make and then made out a menu for the whole month of January.  When we got home, I went grocery shopping for the following 2 weeks and only had to return the next week for some milk, bread, and a little bit of produce.

Having my menu planned out saves me so much headache and frustration.  There's no more staring at the pantry at 5:00 p.m. to try to figure out what we might have that sounds good for dinner.  There's no more calling my husband on his way home from work to pick up that one ingredient we dont' have.  We are saving money with our grocery shopping because I don't aimlessly wander the store looking for what might make a couple of good meals, only to return in a couple days to repeat the process.  I'm absolutely loving the routine of this new process.

*I have also been making sure that once a week I plan a meal that can be doubled so that I can put one meal away in the freezer for when Evangeline arrives.  I've been a little bit ambitious and actually have 5 meals in the freezer already!

So, while I have been loving this new change in our lives, apparently my husband has been loving it even more.

Last night, Ryan and I were going through some questions from our Gary Smalley marriage study from our small group.  The last question was, "What is one thing you would change about me?".  Ryan thought for a minute, while I waited wondering what in the world I was going to have to change about myself for my sweet husband.  He said, "well, actually, for the last 8 months the way you've been so unorganized about our grocery shopping and meal planning has really been driving me crazy.  So, I really appreciate the effort you are putting in to the new menu plan."

"Seriously?" I say.  "that's easy, I've got it fixed already."  :-)

Now, if Ryan would have told me 3 months ago that I needed to be more organized with our menu planning, he would have ruffled every feather on this mama bird.  I would have gotten really irritated and bent out of shape, and I definitely would not have made the change.  So, thankfully, I received some prompting from "someone" else (when I didn't even realize it) and did it "on my own". 

Funny how the Lord works in our lives when we don't even realize it.  Sometimes, it's the small things that make the biggest difference.

Colorado 2009

We spent the week after Christmas in CO at my parent's mountain home.  Every year we make more memories and enjoy the beauty of God's handiwork.  

 

Trent spent way too much time playing his new Wii game... Monster Jam, of course.

 

Yet, he thoroughly enjoyed sledding...

 

  

While he was a little timid with skiing at first...

 

 

  

... he LOVED it after awhile...

 

...and was doing it all by himself at the end!

 

We are now saving our pennies because this ski bum...

 

...is ready for ski school!  We were so proud to see the progress he made this year. 

 

Maggie was definitely NOT interested in skiing or sledding. 

While she gave both a try...

 

... she was much more interested in playing with the snow and on the playground!

 

 

We were thrilled that she was able to stay out in the cold with us without turning blue.  This was a definite first for her and was wonderful to see.

Ryan and my Dad enjoyed 2 days on the slopes, while I enjoyed reading a book by the fire and spending time with my favorite people.

 

 

  

 

  

 

Spiny Sea Urchins and All Things Fishy

This week is spent getting ready for Trent's fish birthday party.  That's right, my little man is turning 4 on the 18th.  So hard to believe.  We are having his party early so that we can have the weekend before Maggie's surgery to do some family things and have some down time.  Trent has chosen a fish party which is only natural.  The boy loves monster trucks, golf, and fish.  He reads the "F" encyclopedia just for fun and has memorized almost all of the fish in the book.  We're talking fish called:  humuhumunukunukuapua and common black devil deep sea anglers.  He loves fish.  He had a monster truck party last year so fish party it is.  Maybe golf will be next year.  Who knows.

Anyway, Family Fun Magazine had an article about fun water games to do out side and they had the idea to make sponge balls and use them instead of water balloons.  I love the idea but I'm giving it a little twist.  They are now called "spiny sea urchins" and we are going to have a spiny sea urchin fight.  So, today I have been busy making spiny sea urchins and coming up with other fishy ideas for the big party. 

I bought all of the sponges at Dollar Tree because it takes 3 sponges to make 1 sea urchin.  For anyone interested, here's how you do it:

Cut each sponge in to 5 strips lengthwise.  I used my hubby's utility knife and it worked really well.

Then you take some pretty heavy string and cut a piece about a foot long and lay it on the counter.  Stack the sponge pieces 5 across and 3 high on the string.

Then you tie the string around the sponges as tightly as possible.  (really, you pull it as tightly as you can making your fingers feel like they will be cut in two).  I did a couple good knots and then fluffed them out a little.

Do this about 20 more times and you have enough for a spiny sea urchin fight!  We are going to fill up the baby pool with water and put them in there.  So they can keep re-wetting them.  Because what fun would a dry spiny sea urchin fight be?  I'll let you know how it goes and how long it takes my fingers to heal (just kidding they're not that bad).

Shredding it

I've been "shredding" with Jillian for 7 days now, and I love it.  What's "shredding"?  Well, it's my new work out video that I started last week.  It is called "The 30 Day Shred" and it is done by Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser.  It is a 20 minute workout that combines cardio, strength, and abs all in one work out.  There are three different levels.  Let me just say that Level 1 is kicking my rear end, and I think it will be a while before I move up to the level 2.  I am so out of shape, but I'm doing my best to change that. 

I'm getting up at 6:00 a.m. and getting my work out and shower in before the kids wake up... Well, unless Mags decides to wake up early like she periodically does.  Anyway, if you are trying to figure out how to fit a tough work out in to your busy mom schedule then this is for you.  Who doesn't have 20 minutes? 
BTW, Ryan is even doing it and it's kicking his butt as well.

Giving Thanks and Those who Sow in Tears

Let me start by saying that this is not an easy thing for me to write about.  I have been thinking about writing on this topic since Thanksgiving, but I just haven't been able to.  I just couldn't find the right words.  Mostly, because I didn't know how to put all of my very jumbled thoughts into coherent paragraphs.  I have never been the best writer especially when it comes to my thoughts and emotions. 

However, this is something that God has been throwing at me for the last 3 weeks.  Every time I think that I have escaped it, it comes at me again.  Whether it is in a post on one of my favorite blogs, on the radio, in daily conversation, in the Thanksgiving sermon at my in-law's church, or in the sermon at my own church this morning.  God keeps saying it to me in a not so small voice.  I honestly can't ever remember feeling like God wants me to hear/learn something like I have this last month.  I have been dodging it as much as possible because it is not something that I want to do.  I have no desire to do it whatsoever.  Hmmm, maybe that's why He has had to tell me so many times.  You think?  I kept thinking that it would go away... that it was just a fluke.  Well, unfortunately, I don't think it was.  In fact, I'm quite sure that it was not.  So, here it goes.  I hope you can follow all of this.  I will do my best to make it make sense.  It gets long, so stay with me.

It started with a post on Bring the Rain (she has since then taken the post down for many reasons).  However, it basically said that most of the time Christians tend to say that we need to be thankful IN all situations.  You know, find things to be thankful for no matter what we are going through.  However, she went on to say that the Bible commands us to be thankful FOR all things.  She did not say that this was easy.  If you have never read Angie's blog, she lost her fourth daughter at birth due to many birth defects.  So, she definitely did not find this easy.  So, this began my thinking.  Did God really say that I had to be thankful for Maggie's multiple heart deformities, her 2 and soon to be 3 open heart surgeries, and the pain that she has and will endure?  Obviously, I did not like this.  In fact, it had me upset for most of Thanksgiving weekend.  Sure, I could be thankful for all of the miracles God has done in Maggie's life and for getting us through the storm and for the 20 months she has been in our lives.  But, did I really have to tell Him that I was thankful for her broken heart?  REALLY?  So, I kind of put it in the back of my mind and didn't do much with it. 

Then, we went to church with my in-laws the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  Guess what the sermon was about?  Yep, you got it:  being thankful for everything.  I sat there thinking, "you've got to be kidding me".  He had many wonderful points and all of it was scripturally accurate (I don't have time to go into all of his points).  However, He gave one verse that I have heard many times before, but this time it really hit home.  Phillipians 4:6-7 says  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Being thankful for all things brings peace to your life... God's peace.  Wow!  When I am thankful for the things that bring me the most pain, God gives me peace.  Okay, so this got me thinking a little bit, but I still stuck it in the back of my head.  I was still not willing to to tell Him"thank-you". 

Fast forward, a couple weeks to today.  Today, at church we lit the third advent candle which is a candle of joy.  Okay, no big deal.  Right?  I've dodged it again, right?  Nope.  So, very wrong.  However, God said it in a completely different way.  Today's sermon title was, "Those Who Sow in Tears".  The text was taken from Psalm 126.  The psalmist talks about when the Lord brought back the captive ones of Zion.  Our pastor talked about how we can sometimes feel like we, ourselves are in exile.  In times of crisis we feel alone, hopeless, and completely void of all joy.  However, God will at a determined time (determined by Him, not us) return to us the joy that was taken away.  Tears will give way to joy.  He knows exactly when and how. 

The verse that I came away with was, Psalm 126:5-6, Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.  He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.  Hmmm.  Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.  What does this mean.  This verse does NOT mean that those who suffer most will be the most joyful.  It means that WHAT you sow WITH your life during times of exile will lead to joy.  So, I think what this means is that our times of sorrow do not give us a free pass to stop living for the Lord.  He wants us to use our tears for Him.  Use our crisis, to reach others. 

Every day, we are to light the candle of joy in our lives.  Again, this is not something that I want to do every day.  Somedays, I want to feel sorry for myself and for Maggie.  I want to know "why" right now and I want it all to go away.  However, God has not chosen to do this yet.  He has not even chosen to take my tears away. Right now, He wants me to sow in my tears.  My reaping will come later. 

From Pulling My Hair out to a Big Sigh of Relief

For those of you who know me at all, I like to be a very organized and routine person.  If my home is unorganized or I'm out of my routine, I get pretty stressed out.  Well, this move has stretched (maybe that should say stressed) me quite a bit.  Let's just say things have been a little unorganized and out of my routine these last 2 weeks.  That's where the pulling my hair out comes in. 

However, beginning on Thursday things started to get better.  Ryan got our internet up and running by getting a Sprint broadband card (you can't get DSL or cable modem out here).  We got pictures hung in all of our rooms, Trent's valence hung, Maggie's video monitor set up, our office area (which is in our bedroom) organized, Trent's toys reorganized, and odds and ends put away.  I was finally able to breathe a big sigh of relief.  Oh yeah, my Dad is getting closer to having our house plans revised!  This was a productive weekend and I feel like I can have a great week.

We're Home

Well, after having a wonderful time in TX, we are home.  Maggie and I had so much fun.  We stayed with my friend Sarah until Sunday.  We did the zoo, shopping, and lots of talking.  Maggie was an angel even on the plane.  Sunday, we went to my Aunt Linda's house where we saw lots of family which was very nice.  It is so nice to be home.  Trent was really happy to see us.  When we got off the plane, I got the biggest hug.  That's the best.  Now, it is Ryan's turn to be gone.  He left this morning for a business trip and he will be home on Friday. 

Having Fun

Well, we made it to TX all in one piece.  Maggie was really good on the flight.  We sat by a really nice older couple who are grandparents.  They held her and played with her.  It was a nice distraction for her, and she didn't really get restless until the descent.  She is napping right now and I'm enjoying the silence.  I miss my boy though.  I forget how much I enjoy the snuggles and his silliness until I am away from him.  He is having fun at Mammy and Papa's house though and Ryan will pick him up this evening after work. 

Reflections...

I got this from a friend's blog.  Thanks, Sarah.

20 years ago, I was . . .in kindergarten, enjoying being a kid.
10 years ago, I was . . . totally wrapped up with my boyfriend (my husband), a permit driver, driving my Mom's conversion van, "planning" my life.
5 years ago, I was . . . just moving in to my 1st house, wanting a baby, loving being an Aunt!
1 year ago, I was . . . pregnant with my beautiful baby girl, totally unaware of how my drastically my life was about to change.
So far this year, I have . . . eaten too much, put my house on the market, worried.
Over the next year, I shall . . . hopefully sell my house, build a new one, spend a week away from my family at heart camp, hand my baby girl over for another surgery, try to worry less, enjoy every minute with my kids.